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I began this week on a mission to rescue a package from FedEx. Last week I had gotten notice that my Gyration mouse (inspired as a purchase from having seen one in action at Matt’s house) had been shipped to me through a nice Fed Ex package tag that provided a little box for me to sign to give the Fed Ex people permission to drop the box off in our entranceway. Since we have been hit with a rash of thefts of the boxes from doorways I was hesitant to sign it the first, second, or third day that the FedEx person came. So by Monday the box had been trapped in Needham in an office park waiting for me to pick-up this mouse. So on my way out to Burlington I went south instead of north and stopped in at the highly convenient office park in the middle of nowhere after searching for twenty minutes through back roads near some large car dealerships. I passed PTC headquarters, a building I have been to on a few occasions researching e-commerce through Oracle systems, and finally parked a mile and a half from the door to the FedEx building. Once inside this enormous building I came to a small mostly empty room with a single woman working in it with a customer ahead of me in line. On explaining to the woman my need to pick-up my package she let me know that the standard policy if you don’t claim your package is that they return it to the sender. She had processed mine a few minutes before and could rescue it from the void. She did so and I drove on with a gyration mouse in my car throughout the day until I brought it into the house finally on Thursday night.

On Tuesday night we had our weekly improv class at ImprovBoston. We mainly danced a lot to the song Blister in the Sun but we did do about an hour of Improv practice. I have become very irresponsible with my weekend Improv work as we are supposed to come to the shows on Saturday and go to the participatory shows on Sundays but I always seem to have my schedule pre-populated with events for Saturday and Sunday night without intending to do so. This Saturday and Sunday night I spent at Sarah's parents house and then at my parent's house – both of which were completely decorated for Valentine's day.

I am not normally a fan of Valentines day because I don’t think I look good wearing the color red. I also don’t like the corporate concept of the holiday. Throughout the week everyone on the radio was trying to sell me on the perfect Valentines day gift. The kind liberal folks at NPR let me know that with my purchase of chocolates for my girlfriend I could help pay for the news. Howard Stern tried to convince me that a Vermont Teddy bear is the perfect Valentines day gift. The folks on Sports talk radio took frequent breaks from expressing their happiness that the Patriots won the Superbowl to inform me that most women prefer a gift certificate for a spa day over a dozen roses. All of Target, a store that is already very red, tried to sell me on their Valentines day visions. They managed to hook in some school children who were running around the store with lists of the other kids they needed to buy valentines for. We were there to return three red throw pillows that Sarah had purchased and didn’t work with our sofa.

The worst offender of improperly pitching Valentines day purchases was the woman who keeps chiming in on the air that every kiss begins with Kays. That's about the dumbest thing I have ever heard. How and why would every kiss begin with cheap mall jewelry and if it is true that these folks at Kays are somehow involved in every kiss that I have I really wish they would just butt out of my life.

I spent a good deal of time talking to people and trying to categorize holidays by the colors that you are supposed to wear in order to determine if there is a blue holiday. Most people suggest Chanukah as a holiday to wear blue for but it is neither an all American holiday nor is it a holiday where there is a dress code.

So here is the codec for American holidays. Please let me know if I missed any:

Valentines day: Red
St. Patricks day: Green
Easter: Pastels (Pink, Blue, and Yellow)
Lent?: Black
4th of July: Red, White, and Blue
Halloween: Orange (Or Swedish nurse Red and white)
Christmas: Red and Green

I think blue might be recommended for Elvis day.

Sarah doesn't usually celebrate Valentine’s day and that is why we held our main Valentines day celebration a few weekends ago when the CVS stores first flooded with red heart shaped candies. Her mother does celebrate Valentines day by fully decorating her house for a day and inviting over the entire family to eat steaks (except for Christina who eats smart tofu dogs) at a table covered with Valentines day decorations and various chocolates. So on Saturday night we went out and ate steaks, I talked with Sarah’s dad about manufacturing pet video game products and became depressed to learn that it isn’t economical to manufacture anything that doesn't make at least $3 million in sales. We played Apples to Apples, a red and green game – preparing us for the upcoming St. Patrick's day. Just as we started playing the game I had a nice full bloody nose.

It looks like this year Sarah's Valentines day present is a cure for the red spots that have proliferated to cover her entire body as an allergic reaction to either the antibiotics that she took to cure her of strep-throat or the Omega 3 vitamins I started taking for my eyes. So far we tried Gold Bond Powder, Claritin, and Benadryl. We'll wait and see if it is German measles or not.

Robert told a joke this week at his new job. He didn't tell me the story but I did learn about it because when Dave and Lisa were performing at my mom’s party in Newton tonight they had some dead time where they needed someone to tell a joke to keep the party goers entertained. Robert had apparently been in a meeting at his new job and to acquaint him with the staff everyone had gone around in a circle and told a joke. He had asked to pass on telling a joke since he didn't know many but the group insisted that as a new employee he needed to tell a joke. So he finally resorted to a joke he had heard during his trip to India. The joke goes like this but was being told by Alice at the party, Lisa's dancer friend from Oberlin who had heard the joke earlier in the evening from Robert: "When the broom groom was told by the broom bride that she was pregnant he told her - We haven't even swept with each other yet!" That's almost as funny as a signature that I read from the bottom of an email that went: There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't. You can't tell that joke at a party because it only works in print. Another guy at the party chimed in "What did the Chicken do because it was cold? He was found with a cape on." Robert's joke hadn't impressed his new office pals much. I envision them as odd replicas of people like Hattie, me, and Peter but looking slightly different. Like the replica of me has a different color hair and a slightly wider face.

So I finally installed the Gyration mouse in the living room today after returning home from a full day of brunch with Alicia, Jon, and their two twin babies Chris and Elisabeth. I got to hold the babies and realized what I suspected about babies was true. They are heavy and I don’t have the proper muscles to hold them. I was much better at making omelets for brunch and watching the wedding video showing us the wedding that Sarah and I missed by going to celebrate my 30th birthday in Las Vegas. It wasn’t hard to install the mouse although it recommended plugging it in to charge for nine hours before installing it. I had plenty of time to do so because Robert, who I was waiting for, was late because he had to make an errand in Newton. He brought over the prototype for the card to advertise our Improv shows at the end of our class. The post-card draft features an obese woman in a red bathing suit by a pool. What I didn't realize was that Robert’s errand in Newton was to drop off his rent and visit my mom’s party and see Alice to tell her his joke. In all of our rush with the babies who had sucked most of our brains out by babbling to us all day, Sarah’s expanding red Valentines day hives, and brunch we had forgotten temporarily about the party at my mom’s house. Since Robert had come from there it was only fitting for me to rush back just in time to hear his joke.

I am a bit tired from running around all weekend and have a TGIM attitude heading into the week. I intend to try to avenge the terrible squash beating I took on Saturday morning when the Falkoff family decided again to take turns making me run in circles around the court for hours. With my luck and it being a red holiday I'll be drenched in blood by the end of the day.